It Pains My Heart

Today was a nice break from the usual days I’ve had recently.

My agenda for the day included things that weren’t necessary to do. The things I had to do could be put off. So I didn’t worry about them much and I did the things I wanted to do.

The first thing I wanted to do was stay in bed. I woke up at least 4 different times, starting at 7:45, but I didn’t want to get out of bed so I didn’t. I didn’t get out of bed until 11:30. It wasn’t that I was being lazy. I just wanted to enjoy those moments of freedom. I knew that by the end of the day I would be worrying about my exams, finding a job, and the Camaro. I don’t want to worry about those things. I could ignore them in bed. So I stayed in bed.

Around 11:30, I decided that I, for the most part, I was going to do what I wanted to do today. What did I want to do? I wanted to shower, go get lunch, buy some refrigerant for the Camaro, go to Target to buy snacks, and buy a few books at Half-Price Books.

I showered.

I went to Autozone.

I went to Carl’s Jr.

Things finally got ‘exciting’ at Target. I only planned on buying small cokes, cookies, and chocolate bars. I walk into Target and decide I should look for the book ‘Drift’. I couldn’t find it. The technology section is right by the books so I move that way. I was initially looking for a keyboard for my tablet. I realized I didn’t have enough information to make that kind of purchase and I kept walking.

Well, I walked by the DVD players. A streaming media device caught my eye. I looked at it and the other models for about 5 minutes. I considered buying a blu-ray player that could stream content. After 5 minutes, I chose the Roku streaming device because it was on sale. I was passing by the video games when life got a little harder. I saw a black Wii. It was only 129.99. The Roku was 69.99. I had more than the 129.99 in my account, so that wasn’t a problem.

Choosing between the Wii and Roku made me think about whether I was just wasting money. Was I going to have enough money in the near future to justify either of these purchases as not a waste of money? I stood there for a little over 10 minutes looking back and forth from the Wii to the Roku and vice-versa. What did I really think about my short term future cash flows? Did I really want to spend my money on this?

I chose the Roku, but it was a look into my mind that was too deep.

I went to Half-Price Books. There wasn’t a souper deep thought there. I went straight for the history section. The first book I flipped through was ‘True World War I Stories’. I was recently looking for personal accounts of war from soldiers. This was a nice surprise. I put it down. I thought maybe there was something better out there. The next book I picked up was ‘Death and the Idea of Mexico’. It was a confusing title so I read the blurb on the opening flap. I liked it and decided to take it. I thought it be nice to read this guy’s arguments about death in the Mexican identity. I’m always curious to see what other people consider part of the Mexican identity, especially because I’m always exploring myself as a Mexican. I flipped through a few more books but I ended up taking the first two I picked up.

I also picked the ‘Death and the Idea of Mexico’ book because I thought I was going to die today. Seriously.

I woke up with sharp pains on the left side of my heart. The pains came whenever I did anything other than sit, or lay down, or not move. When it wasn’t sharp pains, there was a constant pressure on that said of my chest. When normal people feel that way they probably go to the doctor/hospital. I didn’t want to. I was feeling ok with the idea of death. I know the process of dying isn’t the funnest thing. I’ll probably be scared shit less during that heart attack, or whatever kills me, but I’m fine with death.

So that’s what I was thinking about in the shower, at Autozone, at Carl’s Jr, and at Target. Then I go to the book store and find this book about death and Mexicans.

I came home and helped my little sister with her homework. I watched the morning news shows that I slept through. Before I knew it, it was 5pm. That’s when I started reviewing for tomorrow night’s audit test. I reviewed while I watched Animation Domination.

Once I finished reviewing, I knew what I wanted to do for the rest of the day.

I wanted to watch (500) Days of Summer.

The heart pains were still occurring, as they had all day, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t slightly hoping the movie would push me over the edge and kick off whatever heart related…thing would kill me.

Few movies get to me like that one. I watch it and understand what happens, but I don’t believe what happens. Sometimes I walk away happy. Sometimes I walk away sad.

This time it was definitely sad. Both main characters had to sad before they ended happy. I get it. I’ll most probably have to be sad before I find someone too. It’ll be worth it though, right?

After the movie finished, I realized I would have liked to have someone today. I would have liked to take someone to Autozone, Carls, Target, and Half-Price. Then I would have wanted some time alone, but still, that would have been nice.

Then I probably would resent death. Not because I would die, but because they would die.

I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

To sum up, having someone else would be nice, I guess. My heart hurts. It’s probably because of physical reasons. I doubt it’s stress related. It’s probably not for emotional reasons unless…..no, probably not.

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