Keep on Writing

I haven’t written in a while, which is too bad because the purpose of this blog was to record how I’ve felt and gone through life.

Man, I have been feeling all sorts of stuff. Last week I was feeling tired but calm. I would wake up around 6:30am. I showered and got ready by 7:30am. I would work until 5:30 and hit the gym from 6pm to 7pm. Dinner was from 7pm to 8pm. I’d watch TV for an hour or two and repeat. I was tired but peaceful.

Today I had all kinds of feelings. See, I had thought I was going to the Portland area next next week and Kansas the week after that (see some of my previous tweets/posts?). I was planning on buying a car after I came back from Kansas, but that whole time table has moved up because I’m not going to Portland or Kansas (I think). That caused a few feelings.

First feeling is disappointment. I’m missing out on trips. But wait, it’s more than that. I’m missing out on being paid to go see new places. I’m missing out on the free food that I could charge to the client. I’m missing out the new client experiences. I’m missing out on those Hilton Honors points, which I was planning on using for vacations next summer, maybe even in Brasil.

Second feeling was excitement. I’ll have to buy a car sooner. New car! easy pezzzy.

Third. Fuck. I have to buy a car. This is probably the only car I’ll be able to buy for a while because of those damn student loans. But if this is the car I’ll be using for the next, say 8 years, then shouldn’t it be an awesome car. Well then that will be around 30k. That’s not including all the insurance and maintenance over the next 8 years. It might end up being around 40k in aggregate. Anyway, lets say the car is 35k, and let’s add that to the 45k in student loans. I’m suddenly 80k in debt.

How depressing. I am financially worth more dead than alive. On the whole, I’m probably worth more dead than alive.

It’s not just the $ part of it. It’s the fact that I’ll feel obligated to stay at home with my parents. It’s that whenever I eat out, go watch a movie, or buy a beer, I’ll feel guilty that I’m not paying off some of that debt. It’s a great mental burden that I’m not sure a new car can help me overcome.

Por ejemplo. I told my parents I want to buy a car by the 12th, when the insurance runs out. My Pops asks how much I have for a down payment. I say a few thousand. He asks in how many years am I planning on paying it off. I say as long as possible because I’m hoping to get a lower APR than my highest student loan, which is 7.9%. He looked at me with such disappointment. This is a man who has paid off cars in 3 to 5 years and gives a 5-10k down payment. He has almost no debt and has positive equity.

That 80k translates into anywhere from 8 to 12 years of disappointment, if I’m living at home.

Who knows how long it’ll take if I move out.

Well yea, those were my feelings for the day. My feelings before I sat down to write. Then when I was a few sentences in, my dad got out of the shower, and since my room is right in front of the shower, he stops by and says, “ahi cheque en la computadora y miere los carros, y si quiere, este fin de semana vamos a comprar un carro.”

He doesn’t care that I’m still living here. He’d probably be ok with me staying here until I have a family. By that point, he might just leave to Mexico and let me stay in the house. I don’t think he’s disappointed. He would be disappointed if I was disrespectful, arrogant, or selfish.

I will buy the car. I have to.
I am afraid that once I have it, I’ll be very tempted to run away.

Every saint has a past and every sinner a future. -Oscar Wilde, writer (1854-1900)

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