Another Orientation

I went to Marlene’s orientation last Thursday and Friday.

I didn’t really like the place. It was humid and . . . woodsy but she likes it, and I’m proud of her, so it’s fine whatever.

But man, that orientation really messed me up. They kept saying your lives are ahead of you and you could do whatever you wanted if you work hard. They kept saying you and it got to me by the end of the first day. Man, that acquisition really messed me up too.

What do I really want?

I like what I’m doing now, but that changes. Pretty soon, you become in charge of more clients, then after three years you become manager. You’re in charge of other people and even more clients. That’s fine. But I don’t know if that will make me happy. I do well at my job, but I don’t really do good. At the end of the day, I am not really doing any good for anybody and I don’t think that’s enough for me.

At orientation, I thought about going back to college to get a masters and then a doctorate in history, so I could teach history at the university level. I think that might be the way I’m supposed to do good. Maybe I’m supposed to help the kiddos learn to critically think. Help them become good citizens.

But that’s crazy right? A masters and doctorate is probably at least a 4 year commitment. I’m not afraid of the hard work, but it’s probably not a smart idea to quit my job and start taking on more student debt. Maybe I should stay at my job until I pay off my loans, or until I really really become unhappy, possibly at the manager level, which would be like I said, in 3 to 5 years.

Since I’m 24 now, going on 25 in August, then I’ll be 28 – 30 at the time. Is that too old to be grad student? I don’t think I’ll still look like an undergrad student then. That’s probably for the best. I would make a shitty undergrad.

But if I did that, I would start school broke again. Not in debt at least, but at zero. Worse than that, what if I quit my job, start grad school, and realize I don’t want to do that either. What if at that time I think maybe I should be a lawyer? Or super worse, what if nothing hits me at that point and I don’t want to really do anything?

I guess the question is really, how fucking crazy am I?

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