While I sat at work yesterday, I felt like a fraud.
I felt like at any moment someone, with a clipboard, would come by and tap me on the soldier. They would say, “Hey Luis. How’s it going? Listen, I’m going to need you to stop what you’re doing and get out. I know what you’ve been doing and it’s over.”
I spent most of the day thinking I wasn’t good at my job. I remember that it started early in the day. Towards the end of the day I messed up on an easy task. It was a really easy mostly conceptual task, but I spent two hours on it. A that point, I gave up and asked the manager. He told me what I was doing wrong and it was sooo easy AND I was doing a completely different, wrong, thing.
Looking back on it today, I wondered if maybe I made the mistake because my entire mindset for the day was, I’m a fraud.
I started thinking about this because something else weird happened.
I was talking to talking to the girl who sits on the other side of my cube. We usually don’t talk about anything substantial, (Hey, how are you doing? What are you working on? What’s that?) and today was no exception. She said she was having trouble finishing this one thing, but that was because she was doing four things at once. She said she should probably focus on one thing. I agreed, said I would let her get back to her four things, and started walking back to my cube. On the way back I said, I don’t want to become the fifth thing. She laughed and I felt pleased with myself.
I started tearing myself down almost immediately. Even before I sat down, I felt sad, and I couldn’t help thinking, you’re so fake. You’re not really that funny/witty. You didn’t deserve that laugh. She doesn’t like you. I don’t like you.
I don’t mind my level of introspection. It’s not always pleasant, or even helpful, but at least it pushes me to truth and honesty and occasional self-improvement.
But, it’s moments like the ones I described above that make it hard. There was no reason to have those thoughts. I don’t know why the fuck they popped into my head, but I spend most of the day just thinking about it.